Ok people, time to get serious. We need to talk. It’s around this time, at the tail end of the year’s third month, that cases of PMMD rise dramatically. Post Mad March Depression is an illness that effects one in two Adelaidians* every year. Lasting for as little as 17 days, or in severe cases, up to 11 months, PMMD can be described as the intense feeling of sadness and emptiness one experiences following the close of the city’s favourite Mad March events.
(*I may have just made that up)
· Short term memory loss – where did one even go to have a drink, laugh, boogie, or all of the above prior to Mad March?
· Confusion – what am I meant to do now on the weekend? Or weekenight, for that matter?!
· Feelings of Isolation – Now that Mad March is over, I might as well stay home this weekend.
· Severe financial deficit - In simple terms? No money, mo’ problems
· Sudden violent outbursts, and/or crying fits – self explanatory
The struggle is real. If you, or anyone you know might be suffering from PMMD, please know that it’s ok. You are not alone. We will get through this. The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. Secondly, keep yourself busy. There is life after March. Thirdly, medical professionals and psychologists highly recommend* treating yourself by reading humorous articles about the Mad March that was.
(*I definitely made that up)
So in the spirit of helping our fellow man, we have put together a comprehensive guide to what your favourite Mad March destination says about you, and how best to treat your specific strain of PMMD. You’re welcome.
There are a variety of reasons people from all over Australia flock to Victoria Racecourse for the annual Clipsal 500, and can be categorised into four main groups: a) you bloody love cars, b) you bloody love booze, c) you bloody love Clipsal girls, or d) you bloody love it all. Clipsal goers are very loyal, and have the event marked in pen (that’s right, no pencil here buddy) months before March rolls around. The fashion sense of Clipsal fanatics is also quite distinct. The old sneans, or sneakers and jeans, combo is a Clipsal crowd favourite, as is the super short shorts and singo attire usually reserved for boozy festivals. Whether preferring comfort and practicality, or completely void of sun protection, no true and self respecting Clipsal 500 fan would be caught dead without their team memorabilia. This is usually in the form of a cap, t shirt, lanyard, sunnies, flag, or all of the above. #holdenforlyf
PMMD treatment recommendation: Go on a car cruise with other like minded car enthusiasts. Or do a cutla burnouts every night until symptoms subside.
THE GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS
Ahhhh, the Garden. What a magical place it is. If frequenting the Garden was your go to plan for any night of the week, you are a chilled out cat. Accepting of all types and cultures, Garden children love a bit of diversity, and love the fact that everyone is different. You are also a bit lazy, and prefer to hang out somewhere that has everything you need all under the one giant canopy of trees. Even though you enjoy the vibin' atmosphere under said trees, you might not care too much about their welfare as you probably have enough unwanted paper flyers (advertising every type of show possible) in your bag to flatten Rymill Park. But it’s ok, because people who hang in the Garden are also really nice and genuine people; it would be rude not to take the flyers!
PMMD treatment recommendation: String some fairy lights up in the backyard, and watch re runs of Thank God You’re Here. Your anxiety should begin to fade immediately.
First and foremost, you’re a follower. A follower of everything that is new and interesting in Adelaide, that is! Anyone who frequented Surrender, the utopian nation overlooking the Torrens, is a fly as feck mutha who keeps up to date with the hottest pop up bars, restaurants, and generally hip and fresh places to be. Or, you were dragged to Surrender by your much cooler friends. You have an open mind, and a seemingly open and deep wallet, as drinks were a tad pricey and you love to let your freak flag fly. A special mention goes to anyone who happened to check out Surrender on it’s opening night, and ended up tied up and whipped, 50 shades style. You sirs, are legends.
PMMD treatment recommendation: Whether it be Tony Abbott, or Lil John, find a new figure to surrender to. For treatment to be effective, one must surrender their love, devotion, time, and data limit.
THE ROYAL CROQUET CLUB
One of the Fringe’s most popular party destinations, The Royal Croquet Club brings out the well behaved, croquet playing, collared shirt wearing and etiquette adhering Adelaidians. Sorry, did I say well behaved and etiquette adhering? I meant to say sloppy yet well dressed. If the RCC was your second home (or legit, your actual home…did anyone actually ever leave?) for its duration, you are technically classed as a ‘cool person’. With a seamless mix of 9-5 office workers, their shirts and ties slightly askew, and young people we were all 98 per cent sure used some sort of fake ID to get in, RCC kids love the idea that they can get royally smashed in a high class setting. They also would, at this moment, be flat broke, or even worse, in debt, 'cos $40 for a bottle of wine ain’t cheap. Times that by, say, 3 bottles a night, 2 nights a week, for 5 weeks? My bank account hurts just thinking about it.
PMMD treatment recommendation: First things first, get yourself on a budget diet asap. Once you’ve accumulated some of your losses back, slowly reintroduce yourself into Adelaide society with a nice pinot gris at your favourite wine bar. Estimated recovery time is between two weeks, and two years, depending how much you spent at RCC.
You are the king of artistic looking face paint. With a wardrobe jam packed with flowery prints, and brown lace up boots, you are a free spirit who loves life, and everything the world has to offer. If you are one of the beautiful people who attended the world art and music festival, chances are you are super open minded, and love nothing more than taking in some worldy jams, stimulating conversation about life, and frolicking amongst the trees and the grass. Speaking of grass, everyone at Womad seems to be easy and breezy, and full of happiness. No idea why that could be.
PMMD treatment recommendation: Chuck on a flower crown and some happy pants, and listen to SBS world news in the sun. To cut recovery time in half, add some essential oils into the mix.
ADELAIDE CUP DAY
If you are one of the people who found themselves at Morphettville Racecourse on the public holiday Monday, you are game. Not because you are partaking in the game, or sport of horseracing, but because only someone with guts would be game enough to take on the challenge of getting shitfaced at the races, and having to turn up to work in a semi functional state the next day. A social butterfly, you love getting dressed up in your Sunday best and mingling with Adelaide’s elite. You’re not shy, and enjoy putting on a show for your fellow racegoers. You also enjoy gossiping about who’s looking foooiinneee, and how your headpiece is much more fashion forward than everyone else’s. Although sophisticated and slightly vain, fans of the Adelaide Cup day races are simple folk at heart. By that, we mean that race day fiends love that it’s the one place where it is fully acceptable to have a few too many champers that ends with carrying your heels over your shoulder.
PMMD treatment recommendation: For the most effective treatment, get dressed up, headgear and all, and sit in front of fox sports with a glass of champagne in hand.
FUTURE MUSIC FESTIVAL
Three words: Drake is life. Another three words? Do you (even) lift?
PMMD treatment recommendation: get your ass to the gym and maintain your perfect form until next year. This is a year long commitment, do not skip a dose.