Ahhhh Mondays. The day that the true and sometimes horrifying reality of the weekend’s antics start to sink in, because let's face it... you were too hungover to deal with that shit on Sunday. It’s that time of the week again, when we stare at our long to-do list and seriously consider dropping out of society and retiring to a life of watching marathon tv series'. If you happen to be reading this while slumped over your desk with an extra large coffee in hand, surfing the internet and checking Facebook (as opposed to doing actual work), I would like to propose a change in perspective. Instead of pining for the weekend that was, or punishing yourself for grinding up on your friend’s roommate, how about you celebrate the fact that you’re young, hot, and can tear up the dance floor whilst holding a vodka in each hand. Or better yet, you could start planning next week’s fun.
To help with the arduous task of deciding where to take yourself this weekend, here’s a little list of Adelaide’s most popular establishments, and what they say about you. For those playing at home, we’re starting with the classiest, and making our way down to the filthiest.
LANEWAY, Hindley Street
No doubt about it, you are a hipster. Through and through, you’re a party shirt wearing, moustache owning, mason jar cocktail drinking, hip and fresh, hipster. Or, you are just a genuinely cool person who has their finger on the pulse of what’s new and happening in Radelaide. You look amazing, pretty much all of the time, and would prefer to spend your drinking money on delicious cocktails that are a little more pricey. You also wouldn’t be caught dead holding a regular drinking glass. Mason jars all the way baby!
DISTILL, Rundle Street
You want the best of both worlds, but you only want to go to one place to get it. If you love hitting up Distill on a Friday night, it’s very likely that you don’t mind paying a bit more for quality drinks, love a bit of a boogie and like to surround yourself with some of Adelaide's most attractive people. Who doesn't love a guy in a bow tie?
PIRIE AND CO SOCIAL CLUB, Pirie Street
If you frequent the Social Club, chances are you are either very young, or in your early twenties, which unfortunately is like forty in Pirie and Co. years. Schools out, and you’re ready to party. Your body is also still able to hack intense hangovers, which enables you to show up for work in a semi functioning state Friday morning. Pirie and Co. goers are also very loyal, and will remain faithful to the Social Club every Thursday...that is, until the next big Thursday night venue opens up, in which case, you’d be out of there in a heartbeat.
TIJUANA SHOWGIRLS, Hindley Street
You are an eastern suburbs party gringo. You, or all of your friends, own a lot of items from FSHN BNKR, and Windsor Smith. Every Saturday night you find yourself lining up for as long as it takes to get inside your fave party destination. Tequila is your mantra, a night out simply is not complete without it. You like to surround yourself with all those private school kids, and probably like to dance on the stripper pole just a little bit too much.
THE ALMA, Norwood
Lovers of the Alma are very versatile people who can appreciate a bit of diversity. You are very adaptable. One minute, you’re breaking it down to the best of the 90’s on a Saturday night. Nek minut, you’re three ciders deep into an epic Sunday sesh. However if the Alma is your destination for a good Saturday night, it’s safe to say that you like to go very hard, and then go home... very drunk. You tend to overdress, and spend hours getting ready in order to attract the opposite sex.
PJ OBRIEN'S, Rundle Street
You are more than likely on the mature side of life. Either that, or you enjoy the stability and security that comes with going somewhere that always seems to be busy. You don’t like surprises, and hate stressing about whether a place is going to be packed or not. You are thrifty, and don’t want to blow hundreds on a night out, so you take full advantage of the three for one vodka specials. This can backfire though, as the drunker you get, the more times you go up to the bar for another three. You love a good dance, but hate techno music. You’d rather dance to something you know all of the words to.
THE WOOLSHED, Hindley Street
First things first, you’re a legend. Or disgusting, but it just depends on who you ask. You’re a very straight up, no fuss kind of person, and just like the ‘Shed’ itself, you’re either loved or hated. Without a sophisticated bone in your body, you don’t give two fucks what anybody thinks of you, and all you care about is having a good night! You love nothing more than dancing, and you flow seamlessly between the various dance floors with ease. It’s likely that you also have very low standards, and don’t mind mingling *cough* tongue wrestling with people from all walks of life.
HQ, North Terrace
Dubstep is your life. You’re a big personality, who needs a big arena and a big dancefloor to get your kicks. You probably have big biceps too, and you definitely shredded for stereos. Decked out in a low cut, lat baring singlet, or a very precarious pair of heels, you live for the drop and probably fantasize about being picked out of the crowd and taken roughly by the world’s hottest DJ’s. Or any DJ. You are quite resilient, and don’t let little things like sticky floors get you down. You have a lot of energy and stamina, and can drink, dance and go hard all night long.
RED SQUARE, Hindley Street
You are filth and I have no respect for you whatsoever. I will see you on the RnB floor next Saturday.